Friday, December 23, 2005

Terms of Endangerment

I don’t do too well with affectionate little labels. I put them right into that box with other cringey offerings from the y-chromosomed; such as smellantine inspired stuffies clutching kitschy ‘I love you beary much’ hearts (aw…blech blech). No, I’m not a romantic. Crazy x said as much once, when I left him crying amongst his scented candles and rose petals.

Call me “Sweetie”, and like the italian whose mama has been viciously slurred, hell hath no rancour. It’s an endearment I find particularly difficult to mould into a bolus and swallow. I don’t know why exactly, but it’s parallel to someone harshly scraping cutlery against the bottom of a cooking pot: that setting-teeth-on-edge, insides growing legs and crawling, vomity kind of feeling. Not pleasant.

It’s also not the type of endearment that is meant to issue forth from just anyone (in exactly the way that fuchsia taffeta tutus aren’t meant to be worn by grown men inclined to love-handles and a little extra around the ass). The same with “doll”, if you’re not an extravagant, flamboyant wedding planner, forget it. Put it away. And since Gollum’s monopoly on “Precious”, sorry mate, that one’s not getting you any tonight either.

Sweetie, Doll, the combination and like thereof are fine when there are years of shared bondage and misery between a couple. It’s expected, along with Darling, Dear and The Mistake.

It’s also acceptable when friends use these terms to engender closeness and camaraderie. Like Bitch: now that one’s certainly come into its own as a verbal hug. I’ve even heard guys kicking it around among themselves like a soccer-ball.

Strangely enough, it’s the odd and comical names I can handle, even appreciate. Squid, Cow, Monkey, even though they sound very much like Chinese Years, are endearing. Purely because there’s history with them, shared feeling, originality, affection. As with funny little monikers like Squash, Biscuit and Squish. Definitely not one-size-fits-all.

Oi, little wonder I’m single hey? I’m one seriously weird squid.

8 comments:

brainhell said...

You're a very fine squid though. Keep squirting the ink.

Anonymous said...

right on!
shen

Muhammad said...

This somehow reminds me of Pamela Anderson's Barb Wire "Don't Call Me Babe" dialogue... but somewhere up there between Vonnegut & Wilde.

Keep at it Sweetie...

(expecting a klap for that one.)

Peace,

M.

P.S. Marriage isn't all that bad, but I empathise with your plight.

Anonymous said...

I wonder who else thinks this ranting is shallow;p
Sweetie
Anonymous:)

eckishigh said...

hey there,

Just just happened (*pop*) on one of your posts and i thunk it was very awesome. Maybe even good. Maybe I don't even know how to use the blogsite, but is there some way to get like a best of electric spaghetti?

Its a bit difficult to navigate using dates. And just clicking on random things hurts my eyes. Or eye.

And there is quite a bit of crap that reading kinda steals from my life.

Yeah.

Anyways I bookmarked the page. This is the only non warez/fetish site i have bookmarked.

saaleha said...

M. - I'm in cynic mode at present. But my married friends do wax poetic. I'm sure i'll be so lucky someday.

Anonymous:) - Shallowness is relative, Bilal. "Sweetie" in any ACCENT is icky.

Eckishigh - Thanks for popping by. Well, i havent even gone Unplugged yet, so i havent been thinking too much bout The Greatest Hits. Tell me which posts you've liked so far and i'll point you in the direction of similar ones, that should spare you any further life theft.

cheesemeister said...

I may still be single because I like for people to call me Cheesy.
Or maybe it's just because I have bad habits and a crappy attitude!
Nah...
Peace,
Cheesy 1

outofctrl said...

I've never understood why couples need to call each other by pet names such as 'Babe', 'Sugar', 'Honey', etc. It makes me cringe.

Then again, I could be jealous because I'm single. LOL.

Profane. Profound. What's your poison?