One soon tires of humouring morons and I've always embraced my ADD as the one thing that keeps me snappy. So unless Bertrand's 'responce' to my last email is really blog-worthy, this is my concluding salvo.
Date: Aug 1, 2006 6:29 PM
Subject: Responce Ms Saaleha Bamjee
I am in receipt of your mail and the content noted.I have already instructed your sisters husband on what to do.I am still expecting his response.
Have a lovely day.
From: Saaleha Bamjee
Date: Aug 3, 2006 1:38 PM
Subject: Re: Responce Ms Saaleha Bamjee
My Darling Beau Bertrand,
Why so cold? Why so clinical in your 'responce'. All I want is a little love. Is that too fucking much to ask for? Pardon my er... french. haha. That's a little humour for you. get it? get it?
So you've received my email and you've noted the content. What the fuck does that mean? oops...french again. mwah mwah i'm sorry. I've opened my heart and soul to your Bertrand angelfood mudcakes. I want to marry you and have lots of little francophone brats.
Pleeeaaasssssseeeeeeeeeeeeee love me! Or else I'll take one of Mam's thongs and hang myself from the cellphone-signal tower.
I'm sad now. You've gone and depressed me. All I want is for you to hold me and whisper MC Sollar or Youssou 'n dor lyrics to me.
Be mine forever Bertrand!!! or else i'll hunt down your escargot ass and make you eat the entrails i eviscerate from you!!!!
oh forgive me Bertie baby, its the voices again. May the Good Lord have mercy on my wretched soul.
mwah mwah mwah
i wuv you soooooooooo much!
I've also decided that Bertrand should start seeing other people.
From: aicha ahmed
Date: Aug 1, 2006 8:55 PM
Subject: REPLY BACK URGENTLY PLEASE!!!
FROM THE DESK OF MRS. AICHA AHMED THE BILL AND EXCHANGE MANAGER AUDITING AND ACCOUNTING UNIT. FOREIGN REMITTANCE DEPT. BANK OF AFRICA (BOA)ANNEX OUAGA-BURKINA FASO.
I am mrs Aicha Ahmed, the manager in charge of auditing and accounting unit foreign remittance department of bank of africa (BOA)ouaga-burkina faso in west Africa. With due respect and regards I have decided to contact you on a business transaction that will be very beneficial to both of us at the end of the transaction ,During our investigation and auditing in the bank, in my department I came across a very huge sum of money belonging to a deceased person, a foriegner who died in a plane crash and the fund has been dormant in his account with the bank without any claim of the fund in our custody either from his family or relation before my discovery to this development,Although personally, I kept this information secrete within myself and to enable the whole plans and idea be profitable and uccessful during the time of execution. The amount involved is (us$7,500.000) (Seven Million Five Hundred Thousand United State Dollars ). Meanwhile, all the whole arrangement and directives needed to put claim over this fund as the next of kin to the deceased, Upon your acceptance all the information will be forward to you as soon as you indicate your interest and willingness to assist me and also benefit your self to this great business opportunity,In fact, I could have done this deal alone but because of my position in this country as a civil servant,we are not allowed to operate a foriegn account and would eventually raise an eye brow
on my side during the time of transfer because I work in this bank, this is the actual reason why it will require a second party or fellow who will forward claims as the next of kin with affidavit of trust of Oath to the bank and also present a foriegn account where you will need the said fund to be transferred into, after due verification and clarification to designated bank account,I will not fail to inform you that this transaction is 100% risk free, On smooth conclusion of this transaction, you will be entitled to 40% of the total sum as ratification, while 10% will be set aside to take care of expenses that may arise during the time of transfer such as telephone bills etc,While 50% will be for me. Please you have been adviced to keep top secret as I am still in service and intend to retire from service after I conclude this deal with you, I will be monitoring the whole situation here in the bank until you confirm the money in your account and ask me to come down there for subsequent shearing of the fund according to percentages previously indicated and further investment,either in your country or any other country you may advice me to invest in. All other necessary information will be sent to you when I hear from you, I suggest you get back to me as soon as possible, stating your wish in this deal. Trusting to receive your urgent reply through my alternative Email :firstname.lastname@example.org
mrs Aicha Ahmed
From: Saaleha Bamjee
Date: Aug 2, 2006 2:00 PM
Subject: Re: REPLY BACK URGENTLY PLEASE!!!
Dear Mrs Aicha Ahmed,
I can not believe my tremendous good fortune. Why just last week the dashing and charming Barriser Bertrand Green (he's also my fiance, i hope, ooh i'm so naughty) emailed me with the good news that I was in line to receive a sizable inheritance from the estate of my poor deceased (well, not really poor, but the man's dead, so i
guess when i say poor, i mean poor as in no longer being rich with life) relative Mr Oliver G Bamjee, who left me with NINE MILLION US DOLLARS. I pray everyday that The Good Lord rest Uncle Oliver's beneficient, charitable, pious soul in peace. I was not blessed enough to have made his acquaintance while he was still of the mortal coil, but as tribute to his munificent spirit, I will plant a tree in his honour.
While I am ever so grateful that you have chosen me of all the peoples to present with this marvellous opportunity of securing Seven Million Five Hundred Thousand United State Dollars (this is most definitely God's Hand at work), I must not give in to my base desires and succumb to greed.
The Spirit is willing, but the Flesh is weak, Papi used to say before he ran off with tranny-ho-bitch slut. Poor Papi (not poor as in dead, but poor as in having no moral qualms about leaving behind his beloved family to cohabit with a she-male, i pray for his poor wicked soul).
Anyhoo, last night after reading through your email, I was faced with quite a dilemna. After much self-flagellation and rumination, I chewed on some of the mushrooms Mams cooked after freebasing. It was then that the Almighty spoke to me, Himself, using Riaan Cruywagen from the TV as a medium. The Lord said, that this money wasn't mine to use and that I should pass it on to someone else who was in need of some material happiness. The Lord also told me to burn down the nursery school, but His laugh was so mordant, and i was sure He was joking. But I gave Echbert the box of matches just in case. You never mess with The Lord.
Acting on the Word, I implore you to contact my darling Bertrand. He is so handsome and intelligent and he's going to help me so maybe he can help you too.
Here are his details:
Private Phone: 00228 922 8562.
May the Good Lord bless you with bounties of bacon.